Live

The thing about cancer is that it’s a lonely road. I have two beautiful kids, a supportive family, great friends, the most amazing husband and yet sometimes I feel so alone. It’s been 8 months since my diagnosis. I am doing very well all things considered. I have grieved the loss of the life I had. The goals I reached for so dearly. The expectations I held. The time I took for granted. The energy I wasted.  I have done so much in my life so far, and I have no regrets. I am so thankful to have traveled, to have lived in another country, to have followed my dreams, on my terms. Everything is so different now though. At the core, I am the same person I have always been. As my mind and heart hold true, everything else is changing. Change has always been welcome in my life. I hate growing stagnant. But this is never what I imagined, and not something most can understand.

Being a young mother and wife I don’t know anyone to relate to about this. I actually know one person who has battled leukemia successfully, who is around my age. When I reached out to her, she never responded. So I went online and searched for mothers of young children who are battling cancer. I found them. A wonderful blog started in 2009 by five or so women who were just like me. Great, right? Nope. Come to find out that in the 6 years since the blog had started… they have all passed away. I lost my shit. This could very well be me too. As absolutely horrible as that is, there is always a way to accept such things. It will happen to all of us. If we all have anything in common it is that we are all born, and we all die. Once you accept that Everything is impermanent, you really find a sense of peace you had never experienced before. My feelings ebb and flow, as I’m sure they always will on some level. It’s just part of being human.

So as I travel this lonely road that is ugly and beautiful all at the same time, I continue to grow. As friends reach out to me and say the kindest things from deep in their heart I am so grateful. I don’t think they say these things to make me feel better. I think they are said because they are afraid that if they don’t say them now, they won’t get a chance. Or maybe they realized something about me that they hadn’t before. Whatever the reason, I plan on being around for quite some time. I’m a fighter. But it’s the realization of death looming that brings this out in people. The truth is, you need to say these things to the people around you as often as possible. You need to realize these things about strangers you pass on the street. Death is always looming, and it is nothing to be afraid of. Face it head on, move past it, and live. Then you will live like you never have before.